Consent 101
Tl;dr Sure, no means no. But not no doesn’t mean yes. Only a “yes” that is enthusiastic, ongoing, freely given, informed, and specific really means yes. And if you’re not 100% sure? Ask! Ask before, ask during, ask after. Trust me, your partner will not think you’re a weirdo. Quite the opposite most likely. Getting consent right gives you both the freedom to safely explore the big beautiful world of sex.
No means no, but what else means no?
Let’s start at the very beginning. I could throw a bunch of dictionary definitions and state laws your way, but I would prefer it if you didn’t get so bored by this article that you decided to stop having sex altogether.
So instead, let’s start with what consent is not. We all know that no means no, but is there anything else that also means no? Here’s a list of some of the things your partner might say because they feel too awkward or uncomfortable to say “no” (creds to the Canadian Federation of Students’ No Means No campaign for the inspo here).
”I’m tired”
“I need to be up early tomorrow”
“I’m not really in the mood”
“We’ve been drinking”
“I’m not sure”
“Not right now”
“Let’s just go to sleep”
*unsure silence*
*nervously laughs then awkwardly moves hand off body part*
Do some of those sound familiar? I think I’ve personally used at least five of those before, and let’s be honest, they often don’t get respected the same way as “no” would. But they should. All of these things are just as valid as a plain old “no”, and they should all be treated just like a big red stop sign along the road of sex (bear with me, we’ll circle back to the road analogy”).
When doesn’t yes mean yes?
So now we’ve talked about the things that don’t sound like no but really do mean no, let’s talk about the things that some people think sound like yes but don’t mean yes at all.
Pop Quiz: which of these do not count as a real “yes”?
They never said yes explicitly, but they wore sexy clothes and flirted a lot all evening.
They are under the legal age of consent, but they said yes very clearly and enthusiastically
They are drunk or under the influence of drugs, but the yes was unmistakable
They’re not saying anything now, but they’ve said yes loads of times before to exactly the same thing
It took a bit of persuading, but they said yes in the end
They’re unconscious now, but they said yes before they fell asleep
If you selected d) all of the above, you are correct! You win the inner glow that comes with knowing you understand when yes doesn’t actually mean yes. Kudos.
As we can see above, there are lots of situations in which a yes should not be treated like a real yes, including but not limited to when someone is underage, incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or unconscious. More on that here.
What’s enthusiastic consent?
Ok so you know what consent isn’t, but what is it? In recent years, the definition of consent has been expanded from “no means no” (which is still true), to “only an enthusiastic, ongoing yes means yes”.
To come back to the road analogy (thanks for bearing with me), for a car to drive along a road, two things need to be true. Firstly, the light needs to be green and not red. But secondly, the car needs to have gas and the foot needs to be on the pedal. So the “no means no” part is like the red light stopping the car at the traffic light. But without the foot on the pedal, or the “only an enthusiastic yes means yes” part, the car also won’t (or shouldn’t) move - even if the light isn’t red anymore.
Long story short, enthusiastic consent is about looking for that unmistakable “Heck yes!”.
A useful way of thinking about it is the FRIES model (who doesn’t love fries), which states that consent is always:
Freely given
Reversible
Informed
Enthusiastic
Specific
Or for the Brits and Anglophiles among you (I see you), there’s this great video explaining how consent is as simple as tea (thanks mum for the video recommendation!).
How do I go about getting enthusiastic consent?
The same way you would go about figuring out whether you should make someone a cup of tea - ask them! Ask them if they want a cup of tea before you make it, ask them if they still want the tea when you bring it out, let them know they don’t have to finish the tea if they don’t like it, and ask them afterwards if they would prefer the tea made differently (or not at all) next time.
Except we’re talking about sex, not tea. You’re smart, you get it.
Seriously, lots of people worry that asking their partner about consent is awkward and will break the flow of things, but at least anecdotally I can tell you that I’ve only ever heard people praise their partners for actively asking about consent. Sure, when you get to know each other super well, you may not need to be as explicit about it anymore, but if there’s even 1% of 1% of a doubt in your mind, ask away.
Asking things afterwards like “was there anything you would like us to do differently next time?”, or “did you like it when I did X?”, or “did you prefer Y or Z?” are great ways to make sure you’re understanding your partner and gathering as many data points as possible - though note that just because your partner says they liked something this time does not mean they are giving you consent to do it next time. You gotta get enthusiastic consent next time. Consent can be revoked as quickly as you can take your foot off the gas (it’s the car thing again, but I swear I’m done with the analogy now).
Establishing a great culture of consent in your relationship allows you both to explore the world of sex in a safe and relaxed way. Having 100% confidence that your partner is as enthusiastic as you are, or that your partner will stop as soon as you want to, gives you the freedom to venture out and try some things you may not have tried before.
So I guess as long as that’s what people mean by “consent is sexy”, then fine, consent is sexy.
Catalina x