Your Step by Step Guide to an Open Relationship

Tl;dr Not every situation is ripe for an open relationship, just like not everyone will thrive in one. But for those situations and those people for whom an open relationship might work, there are certain steps you can follow, to maximize your chances of success. Be transparent, be honest with yourself and each other, set boundaries, have frequent check ins, and reassess. An open relationship needs to be equally open, and will not work if your primary relationship isn’t strong.

Or at least, that’s what I think. If you think this is all terrible advice, let me know - I’ll buy you a coffee or a drink.

Step 1: Find out why your partner wants an open relationship (or figure out why you want one) 

Before you start thinking about how it might work, I suggest digging into what it is that an open relationship might fulfill that the closed one doesn’t. There are various reasons your partner or you might have for wanting an open relationship - some of which can only be solved with an open relationship, but others of which might have other solutions. Here are some examples, just off the top of my head:

There might be something specific that someone wants to try in the bedroom, but they’re just too embarrassed to ask their partner.

Maybe the open relationship isn’t really about sleeping with other people, and it’s instead about a kink. If you don’t want to do it, then that’s completely ok and maybe you can think about continuing onto Step 2, but you might be totally into it in which case there’s no need for an open relationship after all!

One partner might also want to explore their sexuality in a way they haven’t had a chance to before. 

This is *probably* something you won’t be able to personally provide your partner with on account of your genitals and gender identity, but understanding that this is the root of the desire to have an open relationship can make conversations about it much easier and more transparent. 


One of you might just want to feel validated again - or might need constant validation. 

This is something that is really very common in long term relationships. Sometimes, just speaking to your partner about how they make you feel is the best first step - or on the flip side, realizing how it is that you make your current partner feel. If this is the impetus behind the open relationship, then there might be other solutions to explore first. 

One partner might not find the other attractive anymore - sexually, physically, or emotionally. 

While there are plenty of situations in which an open relationship might make sense, this is probably one where I would suggest breaking up instead of exploring an open relationship. If everything is not happy at home, then introducing others into the relationship might be dangerous territory. Equally, this might be the reason that most people assume they’re being asked for an open relationship for, when in fact it may be one of multiple other reasons. Digging into why someone wants an open relationship can help assuage any fear about this being the case. 

Step 2: Explore and talk about your feelings 

Let’s assume you dug into the reasons why you or your partner want an open relationship and are ready to move onto step 2. Congrats! Your reward is getting to talk about your feelings. 

Now is the time to discuss openly how you each feel about an open relationship, paying particular attention to the partner who did not ask for it. Think through various scenarios and dig into how you would feel if they happened. At this point, it’s purely speculation so who knows how you’ll actually feel, but trying to put yourself in those shoes is a good exercise so that you’re not completely taken by surprise when it does happen.

For example, how would you feel if your partner slept with someone? Or how would you feel telling your partner that you’d slept with someone? 

Going through this exercise can also help you to figure out what boundaries you want to establish (see step 3!). If something specific makes you feel uncomfortable, put it into the boundaries!

Step 3: Agree to and set boundaries 

If you’ve made it this far and you’re ready to move forwards, it’s time to agree to and set some boundaries, expectations, and ground rules. 

Again, I would suggest giving particular weight at this point to the partner who did not ask for the open relationship. At the end of the day, the aim here is to come up with something that works for both of you. 

Here are some examples of questions you might want to think about - but go with as many or as few as feel right for both of you. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. 

  • Is sex ok? What kind of sex - oral, vaginal, or anal? Kinky?

  • Only people you don’t already know? Or only people you know and trust?

  • Only people who are also in open relationships? 

  • Is multiple times with one person ok or just once?

  • Should you tell your partner each time you have sex with someone else (or conversely, do you want your partner to tell you each time)? Or will you operate a “full honesty if asked” policy, but only if asked?

  • Do you want to only play together or is playing separately ok?

  • Are dates ok or just sex?

  • Is there an end date? E.g. is there something specific one partner wants to achieve, or will the open relationship be ongoing until further notice? 

  • How will you protect both of you against STDs? How will you think about protection and / or regular STD testing?

Step 4: Check in 

While you’re in the business of setting boundaries, it’s also a good idea to set a “first check in” date. My personal advice is to check in about 4 weeks after you first open up the relationship - enough to give it time to take effect but not so much that you’ll build resentments if an open relationship doesn’t actually work for you after all. 

During this check in, talk about how everything’s working, talk about how you feel, and don’t hold back. If you’re not happy, feel free to say so! It’ll probably be much less damaging to the relationship if you admit you don’t want an open relationship than if you pretend you want one but really you’re unhappy. 

Another very important thing to check in on is whether both of you are taking advantage of the open relationship or not. A one-sided open relationship is far more likely to end up breeding resentments than a dual-sided open relationship. 

Step 5: Reassess 

This one really comes hand in hand with the check in. Once you’ve talked openly about what is and what isn’t working, feel free to tweak the boundaries and ground rules based on what you’ve learned. 

Remember, it’s always ok to revoke consent at any time, as with any other sexual arrangement. If the open relationship doesn’t spark joy, and you’re sure that no other permutation of the open relationship would spark joy, then throw it away - as Marie Kondo would say. 

Conversely, if you are both enjoying it, then remember to set the next check in date. It’s better to check in more often than necessary than not check in at all. Feel free to call a check in earlier if something comes up that you didn’t anticipate - don’t let feelings fester. 

Steps 4 & 5 are an ongoing cycle - rinse, repeat, enjoy! Just remember to be honest and communicate as much as you can. 

 But don’t just take it from me! Here are some nuggets of advice offered up by fellow readers who have been in open relationships.

“Be flexible with how the rules and boundaries may evolve”

“Set ground rules based on principles rather than bright lines”

“Be honest with boundaries up front and tell your partner who and when and where it happens”

“Dangerous territory if the relationship is on thin ice!”

“Just be open to it and try to avoid decades of conditioning that monogamy is the only way…” 

Happy grand opening - break a leg :)

Catalina x