Your Painless Penetration Playbook

Tl;dr The bad news is lots of women experience pain during penetrative sex, lots of women don’t tell their partners, and lots of women continue to have sex despite being in pain. The good news is you can help! If we stop propagating narratives that normalize pain for women during sex, particularly during their first times, if we destigmatize the use of lube, and if we spread awareness about conditions like vaginismus and treatments like sex therapy, we can help women live their best pain-free sex lives.

Facts and Figures 

So to start off with, is painful sex really that common for women?

Nationally representative data from the US show that about 30% of women reported pain during vaginal sex and 72% reported pain during anal sex, whereas these numbers were 7% and 15% for men respectively (Herbenick et al, 2015).

Another study found that about a quarter of women had experienced pain in their most recent sexual encounter, half of the women experiencing pain don’t mention it to their partners, and 30% of these women dismissed their pain as “just normal”“nothing out of the ordinary”, or “normal sexual pain” (Carter et al, 2019).

Bottom line: yes, painful sex is common for women, and even worse than that, they have been taught to believe that pain during sex is in some way normal and to be expected.

First Time Narratives

Ok so let’s back up for a second. We know that women tend to expect painful sex, and that that leads them to normalize and push through pain during sex. But where do these expectations come from?

If you’re anything like me, you grew up believing that women are *supposed* to bleed the first time they have sex because their hymens, the beacons of their virginities, are *supposed* to tear. If you don’t bleed then something’s probably gone wrong, or maybe you weren’t actually a virgin.

Now for the truth: hymens come in all shapes, sizes, thicknesses, and positions. Some stretch more than others, some have bigger holes in the middle than others, and some are so thin that they’re barely there at all. Yes, some tear the first time a woman has sex and cause some bleeding, but a lot of the time, the bleeding women experience the first time is actually due to damage to the vagina caused by overly rough sex and too little lubrication - not the hymen tearing.

Not only are we teaching women to expect pain their first time - pain which we wrap into a narrative around hymens and virginity - we’re also teaching them not to expect an orgasm. And perhaps unsurprisingly, only 7% of women report orgasming the first time they have sex vs 79% of men (Sprecher et al., 1995). But the bit that maybe is surprising is that when women do orgasm the first time, they report enjoying losing their virginity just as much as men do.

Maybe - hear me out - if we stop telling women to expect pain, no orgasms, and a terrible time, they might actually stop normalizing pain and start enjoying themselves a lot more in the bedroom from the very first time.

Lovely, Lovely Lube  

If you’re starting to feel a little depressed at the state of the world and irritated at how many women experience painful sex, I see you. But all is not lost! Whether you have a vagina or don’t, there is one thing you can do that will almost always help.

Make. Lube. Your. New. Best. Friend.

Yes, the vagina produces its own lubricant when aroused, but more is always better! Using lube doesn’t mean anyone’s failed at their job or that you’re not turned on enough - although if you really aren’t turned on and don’t want to have sex, lube doesn’t change that. Consent is still mandatory, no matter how lubey things get.

Instead of propagating stigmas around lube, why don’t we recognize how awesome it is that ~smooth~ (and pain-free!) sex is just one lube bottle away? Help your partner and help yourself by reminding each other to pick up the lube bottle before things go down the painful route.

That’s right, before. Even if you’re already wet, and even if you think you’re good to go. You never know when a particularly long bout of steamy weekend getaway sex or sex in certain positions (looking at you, Doggy Style) might make it hard to stay properly lubricated throughout. And trust me, you don’t want to be putting lube on a sore vagina, so do yourselves a favor and cover your bases (and genitals) from the start.

To the penetrators in particular: don’t fall for the trap of thinking that if your partner is feeling pain, you’re somehow not turning them on enough. Yes, foreplay is important, but your partner can be turned on as all heck and still need lube to prevent pain. Don’t think of using lube as a failure; think of it as the gesture of a thoughtful and considerate lover. Your partner (and her body) will thank you.

You can find a list of suggested lubes in Your Essential Guide to Masturbation | Women’s Edition - though recently, I’ve found myself partial to the hybrid lube Liquid Silk. It’s mostly water-based, so you get all of the benefits of it being easy to clean and less sticky, but it has a little bit of silicone in it for that velvety, long-lasting feel.

Vaginismus

At this point, it would be remiss of me not to talk about Vaginismus. Vaginismus is an involuntary tensing or contracting of the muscles around the vagina. Essentially, unintentional and involuntary muscle spasms occur when something penetrates the vagina, such as a penis, a finger, or a tampon. This is usually painful and can make penetration anywhere from difficult to impossible.

The causes of vaginismus are unknown, but it’s thought to be connected to a fear that penetration might hurt. It is also not known how many women experience vaginismus, but if you are a woman experiencing vaginal pain during sex, this could be the reason. If you think it might be, talk to your doctor! Don’t just dismiss the pain as normal or try to push through it. There are treatment options from kegel exercises to cognitive behavioral therapy that can help.

The more painful sex you push through, the more you build up anxiety around penetration, the less aroused (and wet) you get, and therefore the more uncomfortable sex is, so the more anxious you get, so… you get the picture. The earlier you can break that cycle, the better.

Dear General Practitioners

If you’ve made it this far, congrats, you win a prize! That prize is a 3 step summary toolkit for fighting painful sex for women:

  1. Re-write narratives around painful and orgasm-less sex for women

  2. Use lube. Then use more lube. Then some more.

  3. Go to your doctor

On that third point, it’s always a good idea to rule out any medical issues that might be causing painful sex. For when you do, I just want to take a second to address the General Practitioners in the room.

Dear General Practitioners,

When women come to you complaining of painful sex, please don’t *just* check out their vaginas and send them on their merry way if nothing is physically wrong.

When we come to you with panic attacks or trouble sleeping, you do the physical stuff first and then if nothing comes up, you refer us over to mental health services. Well, painful sex should really be treated the same way.

We’re happy there’s nothing physically wrong with our vaginas, but we also really want a solution here. So maybe a referral to sex therapy or a sex-positive OB-GYN would be nice.

Oh and also, just so you know, we’re probably a little sensitive about bringing up an incredibly intimate topic, because we’re not really sure what’s normal and what’s not when it comes to painful sex.

Cheers,

(Some) Women

Let’s go kick painful sex’s ass.

Catalina x