Your Kinkcyclopedia

Tl;dr Whatever you like, it’s not at all weird. Keep it consensual and of course legal, and the world’s your oyster! Talk to your partner about what you want and see if they want it too. Communicate before, during, and after, take care of each other emotionally and physically, and don’t judge yourself. Kink can be a very fun exploration when handled with care.

“In human sexuality, kinkiness is the use of non-conventional sexual practices, concepts or fantasies. The term derives from the idea of a “bend” (cf. a “kink”) in one’s sexual behavior, to contrast such behavior with “straight” or “vanilla” sexual mores and proclivities.”
— Wikipedia

First things first

Kinky sex without psychological safety, trust, and mutual respect is like tandem skydiving without a parachute - a pretty bad idea. 

You may be wondering why I’ve waited this long to talk about kinky sex when it’s one of my favorite things to talk about. The reason is simple. In order to have great kinky sex, you need to understand your own body, be able to communicate healthily and honestly with your partner, and have an extremely strong shared understanding of consent.

If only someone had written about these topics recently…

At its heart, kink is about trying new things and venturing out of your comfort zone with a partner (or partners). Whenever you try new things, there’s a chance you’ll realize you don’t like them and you don’t want to do them again. That’s totally fine, but it’s important to make sure you’re experimenting with someone who you feel completely safe exploring new territory with. 

Before delving into common kinks you might like to explore, I’d suggest asking yourself and your partner these types of questions:

  • Are you able to tell each other what you like and don’t like?

  • Can you be 100% honest about all things sex?

  • Do you have mutual respect regardless of what you agree to do in the bedroom?

  • Do you trust each other? 

  • Do you feel completely safe with each other? 

  • Do you have every confidence that your partner will stop anything as soon as you say so? 

  • Can you be yourself sexually with your partner? 

Now, that isn’t exactly an exhaustive list, but it gets down to the core of what I’m trying to say. Make sure you feel you can completely trust your partner before going on an adventure with them.

Ok, now what?

So let’s assume you’re ready to venture away from vanilla. Which flavors do you try?

When it comes to kink, everyone has something different they like. We don’t know exactly where different kinks come from, but some people think that kinky sex causes our bodies to produce more adrenaline, which in turn leads to a flood of endorphins - which is what makes us feel great. There’s the science lesson you didn’t ask for.

Wherever kinks come from, I cannot stress enough that as long as it’s consensual (and obviously legal etc.), you’re not weird for wanting what you want. Plus, exploring can be fun! You might find that some of these ideas are exactly what you’ve been looking for to experience an endorphin release from the stresses of life - or even to spice up your sex life.

Here are some relatively common kinks you might want to think about trying with your partner.

Bondage, blindfolds, and ball gags 

Bondage is when you consensually tie up or restrain your partner in some way, or they do it to you (or you both do it to each other). Bondage comes in all flavors, from handcuffs, to rope, to tape, to scarves - you name it. 

The key for a lot of people is the fun of playing with the power balance in the bedroom. Having control over what happens next, or on the flip side, feeling anticipation for what might come next, can liven sex up beyond your usual routine.  

Along a similar vein, lots of people like to play with blindfolds and gags (the most common of which are probably ball gags). The idea here is that in removing one or more senses, sensations can often be heightened - as can the thrill of control / anticipation. 

Spanking / impact play 

Another common kink you’ve probably heard of is spanking, or more broadly, any “impact” play. People enjoy impact play for a whole host of reasons - anything from the light taboo at one end of the spectrum to the heavy sadomasochism at the other end. 

Both of these are totally fine - it’s just important to discuss with your partner beforehand how much pain (if any at all) they would like to experience. When in doubt, ramp up slowly and check in frequently. It’s better to have a couple of awkward and clunky kinky experiences than it is to run before you can walk.  

Dominance / submission 

There are often, but not always, themes of dominance and submission running through kinks like bondage and impact play. Dominance / submission is essentially a kink that’s entirely about power exchange or imbalance, which can be experienced through a variety of different other kinks. 

With dominance / submission, the dominant usually enjoys the experience of being in control and “calling the shots”, while the submissive enjoys the experience of ceding control and trusting the dominant. People who enjoy both from time to time are often known as “switches”.

Note that just because one person has more power than another, this doesn’t at any point change the mutual levels of respect or necessarily imply that one person is receiving all the sexual pleasure and gratification. As with anything else, dominance / submission kinks should involve a hefty dose of communication - before, during, and after.

Role plays

Ever wanted to take a break from being a business school student, a parent, or a [insert your company here] employee? Maybe role plays are for you!

In much the same way that we watch movies and read books to escape our everyday lives, role plays can provide a great way to do that in the bedroom. Here are some common role plays according to Cosmopolitan, but really you are only limited by your imagination!

Role plays also don’t have to take place exclusively in the bedroom. One of my personal favorites, particularly for those long-term relationships, is to role play being on a first date with each other again - either as yourselves, or as different people entirely. The fun of flirting and getting to know each other can totally reinvigorate your sex life. 

For role plays, preparation is key. Talking through the finer details of the roles beforehand, fleshing out characters, and maybe even having costumes can really elevate the experience - and can be a fun little creative release for the thespians out there.

Aftercare and safe words

Establishing safe words beforehand is a good idea when experimenting with kink. Safe words are essentially a sure-fire way to communicate during any kinky experience. For many kinks, you and your partner might find yourselves pulled into the experience emotionally which can make it difficult to communicate as you would usually. Safe words like “red” can indicate to your partner that you want to stop all activity immediately, while safe words like “amber” can indicate that you are getting close to the limits of what you want to happen. 

Similarly, if you or your partner are unable to verbally withdraw consent because of a gag, you can establish a safe hand signal that can be used to withdraw consent if needed.  

Aftercare is a general term that means checking in on each other’s physical and emotional states after some kinky sex to see if everything is ok. And if everything is not ok, to talk about what happened and how you can make sure it doesn’t happen again. 

Aftercare is an incredibly important part of building a safe and trusting relationship. Ideally, nothing ever goes wrong in your explorations of kink, but sometimes you try out something and then you realize after the fact that you didn’t like it and you don’t want to do it again. Which is 100% ok. 

But seriously, is this all normal behavior? 

By this point, I’m guessing some of you might be slightly curious but you’re feeling a bit weird about being curious. Don’t worry! There are so, so many kinks out there - everything from cuckolding to foot fetishism to tentacles. 

Part of my goal with this piece is to break down the stigma around what different people like to do in the bedroom. You’ll only find the very best that sex has to offer if you talk to people about what you want and see if they want that too.

And maybe they don’t - some people think pineapple on pizza is weird so I’m not going to force them to eat one off me - but that doesn’t make you or them weird. Just different from each other.

If you want more inspo, why not take a look at this A to Z? Or if you want to delve deeper into BDSM, why not take the BDSM test? It’s like a personality test, but instead of telling you you’re “The Entrepreneur”, they’ll tell you what kind of kink you like. Or maybe there’s something you’ve been fantasizing about captured in your results - why not ask your partner what they think?

I’m ready to go. Where do I buy what I need?

My personal best friends are Lovehoney.com and Annsummers.com. 

Here are some suggestions to get you started:

Most of these are pretty cheap and to be honest, they might feel a little like that - but I would recommend starting here and figuring out what you like before making bigger investments. There’s also a lot you can do with just what you have lying around in your room.

Let’s talk about the 50 Shades of Grey Elephant in the room

I just want to leave you with a little note on 50 Shades of Grey, since that’s probably the primary exposure a lot of you will have to kink (and particularly, BDSM). 50 Shades of Grey was great for normalizing kink and for proving that hundreds of millions of people are into it. 

On the flip side, in case any of you have read the books or seen the films, I want to point out that the relationship depicted in this series isn’t what I (or lots of people) would call healthy, consensual, or communicative. Kink is meant to be something both parties enjoy, not something that one party does for another or something you do because you don’t want to disappoint your partner. Signing a contract can also be a fun part of kink, but it in no way forces you to engage in anything you don’t want. Consent remains just as revocable as always.

I hope you enjoy any explorations, and if you have questions, you can always feel free to reach out! 

Catalina x