Your Essential Guide to Bedroom Communication
Tl;dr Everyone likes different things, and the only way your partner will know what you like is if you tell them. In your new communication toolbox:
Swap out “bad vs good” with “good vs better”
Use non-verbal communication like increased pleasure sounds and proactive “that feels good”
Do a little “show-and-tell” of what you like (have them watch or guide their hands)
Ask for feedback
Go on a “try new things together” IKEA adventure
Masturbate to figure out what you like
Let your partner know that talking about sex matters to you
Don’t fake orgasms
The long and the short of it is that you won’t truly know what your partner likes unless you ask them, and your partner won’t know what you like unless you tell them. Everyone’s different and there is no one size fits all when it comes to sex.
But how do we start those conversations, and why is it so much harder to talk to our partners about sex than it is to actually have sex with them?
Let’s take a look at some of these reasons and explore ways we can communicate around them.
“I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings”
This is probably the single most common reason I hear for why people don’t talk to their partners about what they want in the bedroom. And it’s totally fair! Feedback can sometimes be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be. If you want to be gentle with your partner, why not swap out language like “bad vs good” with “good vs better”? Your partner will be able to read between the lines and stick with the “better”.
You could also try asking your partner for feedback when you have sex or during foreplay. I don’t mean have them fill out a graded report card (although I guess that could be a kink of yours…). I mean just asking them “Is it better when I do this or that?”. Creating an environment where asking questions like that is normal can lead your partner to start to do the same.
Like with many things in life, the more you practice talking about sex, the easier it will get.
“I don’t really know what I want / my partner doesn’t really know what they want”
Again, this is pretty common. You probably won’t be surprised by now to hear me say “go forth and masturbate!”. For many different sexual acts, from manual stimulation (fingering and hand jobs) to penetration, there’s a lot we can discover about angles, depth, speed, rhythm, and pressure from just playing around with ourselves.
If you’re not comfortable masturbating, or you’re not sure what exactly you want in the oral sex department, why not have a date night in where you and your partner go on an adventure and try a whole lot of new things together? Framing it as an exploration makes it ok for some things to feel good and some things not to feel good. It’s just like going to IKEA and trying out a lot of sofas together.
“Talking about the specifics of sex with my partner is awkward, and I don’t want to break the flow of sex with feedback”
I hear you. Saying sentences like “I like it when you rub my clitoris in clockwise circular motions” can make a lot of people uncomfortable (which is totally fine!). Communicating what you like can be done with words, but there are also lots of other ways to communicate that can be equally effective.
Why not try the good old “let me show you”? Demonstrating for your partner, or putting their hand over your hand while you play with yourself can be a great way to show them what you mean.
Another thing to try is changing your response when they do something you like. I’m not saying you have to scream like a pornstar (although by all means, go ahead if that’s your thing!), but intensifying your moaning or saying things like “oh yes, that feels so good” when your partner does something you particularly like will often get the message across.
As long as the other person gets what you’re trying to convey, then the communication has been a success. This is your rodeo.
“My partner really doesn’t want to talk about sex and walks away from any conversations”
This is tough, I get you. Often this happens out of awkwardness, so I would suggest two things. Firstly, the more implicit forms of communication we just talked about can help to nudge things along in the right direction in the bedroom.
If those don’t seem to be working, then why not try sitting down with your partner (perhaps with a little wine or some music) and letting them know that talking about your sex life is something that’s important to you? 9 times out of 10, your partner will hear that this conversation means something to you and will try to put aside their awkwardness. Even you just acknowledging that it’s awkward and uncomfortable for everyone can go a long way to reducing that discomfort.
“Can’t I just… fake it till I make it?”
Maybe everything I’ve just said sounds like a whole lot of effort and your sex life is already fine, really. You’ll just keep calm and carry on faking it and eventually everything will sort itself out. Right…?
For some things, faking it till you make it really isn’t the worst approach. But unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way for orgasms.
First off, let’s take a look at some data. A 2009 study found that, among a group of college students, 25% of men and 50% of women reported having faked an orgasm before. When asked why, they commonly said that orgasm was unlikely, they wanted sex to end, and they didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings.
So what does this tell us? Firstly, if you’ve faked orgasms, you’re really not alone! Don’t beat yourself up. I won’t tell anyone. Join the club ;)
Now let’s dig a little deeper into why people are faking orgasms - and why you don’t need to.
“The orgasm just wasn’t going to happen”
This is only a problem if you consider orgasms the be all and end all of any sexual encounter. Sure, orgasms are fun, but just like the New Year’s Eve party doesn’t get ruined if the fireworks won’t ignite, you can still have plenty of fun without having an orgasm. So don’t stress! Take it easy, communicate about what you like, and if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. It’s chill.
“They wanted sex to end”
I usually try to keep it fun and lighthearted, but I’m gonna get serious for just a hot second. If you want sex to end, there is never anything you need to do in order for that to happen except say you want to stop. You don’t need to say it multiple times, you don’t need to fake an orgasm, and you definitely don’t need to worry about what the other person will think. If you don’t want to have sex, it is absolutely your right to call it off whenever - and absolutely your responsibility to listen to your partner if they want to stop.
“They didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings”
Listen, there are as many different ways to have sex as there are people who swear their partners have never faked an orgasm. It’s pretty unlikely that a person you’ve just started having sex with will magically know what you like, or that your new partner happens to like exactly the same as your old partner. There isn’t really such a thing as being “great at sex” (except if you’re amazing at communication in the bedroom, amirite?!) - it’s more about whether you’re giving the other person what they want.
So to that end, try not to worry about hurting your partner’s feelings. Without any communication, it’s much more likely than not that you won’t orgasm, or that you won’t enjoy yourself. And if your partner is the kind of person who gets offended when you won’t orgasm, even without knowing who you are, I can say with every confidence that you deserve better. Because you’re worth it. *L’Oreal hair flick*
So… why not try a little communication and see what happens? The worst case scenario is that your sex life stays the same, but what about the best case scenario?
Catalina x