8 Things Women Want Men to Know About Sex
Dear straight men,
There are some things about sex that we think you might have some misconceptions about. So we’ve compiled a helpful little list of 8 things we want you to know.
Sincerely,
Straight women*
*Or rather, some straight women. I imagine there’s at least one woman out there who hates clitoral stimulation.
1. Women get just as horny as men! And sometimes, we’re also just looking for casual sex.
Growing up, women are told to make men chase them, not to give it up too easily, and that all men care about is sex. Meanwhile men are told that getting women to sleep with them is a challenge, and that women don’t enjoy sex as much as men.
Sound familiar?
Well, I’m here to tell you that women do get horny. We do masturbate. We do watch porn. We like good sex (emphasis on the “good”), and sometimes we just want something casual. We won’t ask you to marry us after a one night stand. We promise.
2. Foreplay and lube are key. Some of us need more time to get wet, but it doesn’t mean we don’t really want to have sex. Put some effort into the foreplay, and don’t be scared of bringing out the lube.
It would be nice if we could snap our fingers and be instantly wet and ready for sex, but unfortunately, not everything is as easy as getting Chat GPT to do your homework. Sometimes, even if our brains are ready to rip your clothes off and have sex, our bodies need a little time to catch up.
That doesn’t mean we’re not into it, it just means we need more foreplay. The less you rush us, the more relaxed we’ll feel and likely the more physically aroused we’ll get. Also there’s nothing wrong with lube! Why not whip it out and put it on the table, just in case? Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.
3. Penis size doesn’t matter to women nearly as much as men think it does.
Most men spend at least some time worrying about the size of their penis relative to average (which is around 5.1-5.5 inches, according to this 2020 study), and also worrying about what women will think or say about the size of their penis.
The reality is that, for the vast majority of penises, women simply don’t care half as much as men think they do about size. We care orders of magnitude more about what you do with it.
Penis length only really comes up in post-sex conversation when it’s at the very tail ends of the distribution. Even then, it comes up far more often when it’s too big for comfort than when it’s too small.
There are far more interesting things to talk about.
4. Women have two systems in their brains - a sexual “accelerator” and sexual “brakes”. Sometimes it’s more about figuring out how to stop triggering the brakes than it is about figuring out how to push the accelerator.
For this one, I 100% credit the wonderful book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. In this book, Dr Nagoski explains how we have both of these systems in our brain, and these systems learn to respond to different stimuli through experience. For example, a new student might have her brakes triggered by the thought of piling up homework that needs to be done. No matter how much her partner tries to pump the accelerator (think candles, romantic music, kissing), as long as her brakes are firmly activated, she will not get aroused.
Some of us have brakes that are far more sensitive than others, just as some of us have much less sensitive accelerators.
What does this mean? Figure out what your partner responds most to - brakes or acceleration - and whether the brakes are getting triggered. That will help you figure out whether you need to put more effort into acceleration, or whether you need to remove whatever stressor is triggering those brakes. Maybe you just need to help her tidy her room, or let her do her work, before she’ll orgasm with you.
5. Most women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. And even when we do like vaginal penetration, most of us don’t want you to suddenly jam three fingers in and out really fast, like you see on pornhub.
We’ve talked about the clitoris before in the first Chronicle, Know Thyself, so you might remember that fewer than 20% of women report orgasming from vaginal stimulation alone. That means most of us want you to find the clitoris and figure out how to stimulate it (or try asking what we like!).
When we do want vaginal penetration, usually a slow build up is better. We are not porn stars, and porn isn’t real sex, so maybe try inserting fingers a little more gradually than they do on pornhub.
6. Checking in on consent and asking us if we’re comfortable is a good idea. We won’t find it awkward.
So if women don’t talk about penis size, then what do they talk about? Well, one of the most common positives I hear women bringing up about their one night stands is that they made them feel very comfortable and safe.
I suspect some men are worried that interrupting the flow of sex to check in with their partner will feel awkward, but I’ve literally never heard women complain that men check in with them too much. And if you’re wondering how to talk about consent, it’s your lucky day - I’ve written about it here.
7. What happens after sex matters to us. Having a feedback conversation after sex is important, even if it’s uncomfortable, and cuddles and aftercare more generally aren’t exclusively a kink thing.
Whether it’s a one night stand, a casual regular hook up, or a long term relationship, cuddles after sex are key! Kicking us out straight after isn’t going to make us feel great. Plus, cuddles are a great opportunity to have a quick debrief and provide some feedback - so that it can be even better next time.
8. We do want to cuddle you afterwards - but some of us need to get up and pee straight after sex.
It’s not you, it’s us. In order to avoid UTIs, lots of women find they need to pee straight after sex. Other women don’t have as many issues with UTIs, but they still want to sort themselves out and clean up any sperm before they feel comfortable enough to lie in bed and cuddle.
We’ll join you in a moment, just give us a second.
There you have it. Thoughts straight from inside a real life woman’s head. I hope this helps at least some men understand at least some women at least a little bit better.
Catalina x